Strong & Independent vs. Powerful

My mom told me many times that I was born independent. She said at times she wondered who was the parent and who was the child. I don’t remember feeling independent. I think maybe because it just was who I was, I didn’t understand it to be something I had to try to be.

I wasn’t just independent, I was strong too. Physically, mentally, and emotionally strong. A badass. It didn’t matter what life threw at me, I was strong enough to handle it. And because I was independent, I could handle it all by myself. I didn’t need the support of anyone.

I was proud of myself for being so strong and independent. I never asked anyone for help. When people offered to help, I turned them down. Either because I wanted to prove how strong and independent I was, or because I didn’t want to burden anyone. Asking for help was a sign of weakness or being less than perfect.

Being a woman, I wanted to prove that I was just as tough as any man. There were many men who had let me down in life. Their behavior made me believe my life would be better without men. I had to prove I didn’t need a man in my life for anything. Fixing stuff, I can do that! Lifting heavy shit, watch me! That other things men do, I can live without it. (If you are a man reading this and you think you have not let me down, you probably have not, and if you are one of those few, I love and appreciate you dearly. If you are one of those men who I felt let me down, don’t worry, I completely understand that it was my perception and that I was responsible for creating the situation. I no longer hold any negative feelings toward you, and I appreciate the gift of growth and learning from our experience together.)

My judgemental self was very disappointed with women who couldn’t do things for themselves. The conversation that would run in my head went something like this…..”How could you allow yourself to be weak like that? The men are fucking up this world. Come on women, we need to step up our game and take over! We can’t do that if we are not strong and independent.” (If you feel bothered by the judgement, don’t worry, I have always judged myself much harder than anyone else. I also now have a strong appreciation for those who are gifted at being able to ask for and receive support.)

Where did all my strength and independence leave me? Alone. Lonely. Working hard. Missing out on fun. Missing out on connection. Missing out on gratitude. Missing out on love.

Proving to myself and the world that I was strong and independent was definitely not an expression of self love. On a daily basis I was supporting others in loving themselves, but I was not doing a great job of it myself.

I had the realization a couple years ago, that as long as I identified myself as strong and independent, the universe would continue to give me opportunities to prove that I was. Some of those opportunities were difficult. They pushed me to my limits. Each time I thought I had been as strong and independent as I could be, the universe would give me an opportunity to stretch my limits further.

With the realization that my identification was creating a lot of difficult times I decided that I no longer needed to prove to anyone, especially myself, that I was strong and independent. I feel very blessed to have the skills that I have and to know that if there is no one to help me, I will be able to manage. And, I no longer need to prove anything to anyone.

I began working on asking for support and receiving it when it was offered. It was uncomfortable in the beginning. It definitely made me feel vulnerable. But like anything, the more I practiced, the easier it got. I enjoyed the smiles created and hugs exchanged in my expression of gratitude for the support I accepted. I enjoyed the extra free time created by things getting done faster or not needing to be done by me. I enjoyed the connection of doing things together with someone. I was loving this skill.

Flash forward to February 2020. I started feeling off. I was feeling strange things and was having a hard time letting them go. Then the pandemic hit, and I realized I was feeling it before it made the news. As the days and weeks went by, I was feeling worse. I had difficulty sleeping, felt nauseous, anxious, and unsafe. A feeling of impending doom is the best way I can describe it.

As an empath, I am accustomed to feeling when things are not right, but I had learned a long time ago to not let those things affect me physically, mentally, or emotionally. I was well connected to my personal power and was able to be aware of energies, without letting them disturb me. It was really bothering me that this time I could not shake it off, and I was really getting tired from lack of sleep.

I would ask my guides for help. The only response I would get from them on this topic was “you get to figure this one out”. Thanks a lot!

I started to reach out to close friends for support. I think all that came out of those conversations was making them nervous too. Then one friend mentioned the word powerful in a conversation and it finally clicked. I had subconsciously connected a piece of my personal power to being strong and independent. Because I had connected them, when I made the decision to let go of the need to be strong and independent, I also let go of a piece of my personal power.

Strength and independence does not create power. My personal power resides within me. The only requirement is to claim it. In a matter of seconds I had reclaimed my power. It felt so good. The nausea, anxiety and impending doom were gone. That night I was able to sleep again!

I don’t know what the future holds for us. (I do have a few crazy intuitions about it that I won’t share here). What I do know is that what you need to get through whatever it is, is to claim your personal power. With a solid connection to your personal power you can get through anything. With a solid connection to your personal power you can ask for support without feeling weak or less than perfect. Together we will get through this.

Claiming your personal power is a wonderful expression of self love. If you’re not sure how to, or would like some support in claiming your personal power, reach out.